This article contains descriptions of sexual assault. The National Sexual Assault Hotline offers 24-hour support and nonjudgmental listening over the phone, text, or online. Those experiencing difficulties can call 1-800-656-4673.

On a 2016 trip to Las Vegas with my friends and boyfriend at the time, I ran into a new co-worker, a friendly guy who also happened to be in town with friends. I didn’t think anything of it when he texted me shortly after my boyfriend and friends left the city early. His friends also had to return to California for work, and since I had an extra bed, he asked if he could room with me.

It didn’t occur to me that he would hurt me. After all, we worked together. 

We walked the Vegas Strip and hit up a casino before returning to the hotel room. He forced himself on me almost immediately. He was a lot bigger than me, and even though I repeatedly yelled “no” and “stop,” he sexually assaulted me. I felt disgusted and humiliated. I returned to California and told my girlfriends what happened. I also went to the doctor. Mostly, I wanted to put what happened in Las Vegas behind me. 

I soon learned just how impossible that would be. 

A few weeks after returning from Las Vegas, I found out I was pregnant with twins. Because of how my rape unfolded and because I was in a relationship at the time, I assumed my boyfriend was the father, and I did not seek to terminate the pregnancy. After giving birth to my twins in April 2017, I was in disbelief when I learned my rapist was, in fact, the father of my children.

At the time, I knew nothing about the laws or what could happen if a person has a child with their unconvicted rapist.

In 2019, my rapist successfully filed for custody of my children in California. I learned from judges and attorneys that because my rapist was not convicted, he is allowed the same rights as any other father, including legal and physical custody and the ability to claim the children as dependents on his taxes.

As Prism reported in 2022, 15 states terminate the parental rights of a rapist based on the civil standard of “clear and convincing” evidence. This means that in Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Mississippi, South Dakota, Texas, Vermont, and Washington, evidence for rape must be “highly” and substantially more probable to be true, rather than untrue. These states are supported by the federal Rape Survivor Child Custody Act (RSCCA), which authorizes the U.S. attorney general to make grants to states that pass legislation terminating the parental rights of rapists who father children. More broadly, only 32 states allow the termination of parental rights of rapists who conceive a child. Other states have varying restrictions in place, with some still requiring a criminal conviction—including California, my home state, and Nevada, where my assault took place. 

As a survivor, I feel robbed of the choice not to be tied to my rapist. Not only do I have to share my twins with my rapist, but I also have to share my personal and financial information with him. It feels like a violation of my human and civil rights; it is a violation of my privacy, health, dignity, safety, and security. If I do not follow court orders and allow my rapist custody and visitation, I risk being held in contempt of court and even losing custody of my twins. 

Over 3 million women in the U.S. have experienced a rape-related pregnancy during their lifetime, and an estimated 423,020 people in the U.S. ages 12 and older experience sexual violence each year. This is likely an underestimate, but even so, most rape cases never see a conviction. For every 1,000 sexual assaults, 975 perpetrators walk free, according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN). 

How many women in the U.S. are living with the nightmare of having to share their child with the man who raped them? Rapists should not have the same parental rights as fathers; it’s like rewarding them for their crime and punishing the mother and child. Protective survivors like myself also face harsh treatment for demanding full custody.

Personally, I was admonished and treated harshly in family court. A judge told me that I needed to “get over” the rape, that I was angry, that I had bad blood toward “the father.” Although my rapist apologized to me, admitting he took advantage of me and acknowledging that I did not consent, this carried no weight when trying to terminate his parental rights in family court. In the eyes of the law, my rapist was the father of my children. At times, it seemed the court saw him as the victim of a woman who dared to ask for his rights to be terminated. My twins and I were not protected.  

Sharing custody with my rapist is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. To have to hand a child over to the man who assaulted you is another kind of violation, and it empowers and emboldens rapists. Never mind the harm this causes to the child or the potential risk it subjects them to. 

All states should allow the RSCCA so that mothers have the option to terminate a rapist’s parental rights. Before court proceedings, survivors should also be informed of the laws in their state because the idea of sharing custody with their rapist is so preposterous, many women are shocked to learn of their new reality when they enter the courtroom. Women who find themselves in this situation can never fully heal. How can they? Family courts nationwide are effectively forcing survivors to maintain a connection to their rapist. 

I often think about the judge who told me to “get over” my rape. How can I? I am one of untold numbers of women who have to communicate with their rapist on a daily basis.   

Editorial Team:
Tina Vasquez, Lead Editor
Carolyn Copeland, Top Editor
Rashmee Kumar, Copy Editor